Oh Whoops

Sorry! There is just so much social media going on in my life I often forget about this baby blog site.

Facebook
Twitter
Tumblr
Youtube and whatever the fuck else I put my self out onto.

Twitter is on the side of this blog, over there ---------->
Facebook is for me and my lovies.
Tumblr is http://www.lindseywashburn.tumblr.com  (Only posting my daily quotes there as of right now...)

And Youtube.... well Youtube is.. intense right now. lol
Videos... "ferdayz"

Anyways, I also have a justin.tv account where I occasionally livestream gaming. It's pretty fuckin awesome.

http://www.justin.tv/zmarie87

Getting a promotion soon. (hopefully)

Things are...... pretty fuckin awesome. No lies. I wouldn't lie to you blogspot.

Wondering if I should just shut this down right now... Dunno, meh.
Maybe I'll leave it up for "teh lolz" anyways.

We're livestreaming at Machinima again on Feb 1st for the new Black Ops  DLC. CHECK DAT SHIT OUT FO SHO.

Okay, I'm done talking like a retarded idiot.... to no one... <3

zBot

Black Ops 24/7 LiveStream

I have my first shift at 2 AM PST. Here we go.... You can watch here!!

A love letter to my PS3.

As I was cleaning today I accidentally pressed a button on the PS3 controller and I heard this little high pitched "beep" that was the sound of my PS3 turning on. Oh how I missed that beep!

And so I started to talk to my PS3.

"Dear PS3.
 I miss you and I'm sorry I've been away. You see, we had been together for well over a year, and I met someone... else... 360. And it was new and exciting, and 360 was invited to all the parties... and I wanted to go to those parties. And let me tell you ps3, those parties are craaazy! But... I still thought of you, and I wanted to come back to you but things just were different... You changed... or maybe I changed? And then things got worse when Mr. TV broke, and now I can't even see you at all. It's of course, when I can't have you that I want you oh so badly.  I think of our times together (little big planet & uncharted & our endless BLU RAY nights)

But I promise you PS3... I'll be back.. We'll have our day in the sun ....

once Mr. Fucking TV gets his act together.


I <3 U PS3.

<3zbot

Impermanence.

1. I am constantly remind myself to let go.


2. Do you ever get so inside your head that you just have a complete mental breakdown out of nowhere. Well that's what just happened to me. And I typed it all out in this blog. And I realized how ridiculous I sounded. Like if someone were to read that, they would probably want to come smack me in the face for being such a pathetic mess. And I don't blame them. 


Because really, I have NO reason to be sad. 
No reason to be depressed.
No reason to dislike anything in my life really.
No reason to complain (seriously)


I am just floating somewhere in between. Not necessarily sad nor depressed. But not particularly happy or joyful. I literally feel stagnant.


I'm not 15 so I can't say "Yeah life sux"


I know that life is difficult. And it changes so quickly, you hardly have time to adjust before it's changing again. I feel like I am barely getting used to one thing in my life, when, for whatever reason, something is different all of a sudden. 


I know that if I am unhappy for some reason, it is usually directly related to my disposition of whatever is happening, not necessarily the circumstances of what is happening. And that is where I am weak. And I hate to be weak, I really do. I cannot easily ask for help, emotionally. 
I hate to seem needy. 
I hate to display my desire for something or someone.
I hate when someone says "What's wrong Lindsey? You're not yourself" 

Sometimes I feel I have a hard time vocalizing what it is that I really want! I feel embarrassed for asking, or undeserving of what I am asking for... like I am asking too much.

I've been told I have too high of expectations for people. But really I only expect the same from you that I would from myself. 


Then again, maybe I expect too much of myself, because often I have to let go of unmet expectations. I go back and forth between caring too much, and not caring enough at all. Where is my medium? And why can't I get there? Why do things take so long?  Why do I have to wait? 


I mean I guess I can wait, but if I could just see the goal, maybe I would be more satisfied.

But I am never satisfied. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and live my life. Yeh I'll do that.
--
z






3. When unpleasant things arise or you don't get what you want, reflect that all things are impermanent and that, sooner or later, your suffering will change.

So.... sorry?

Well.. basically - I apologize. I blog then leave it, then blog, then leave it. But truth be told I've been extremely busy so far this summer!

I have been doing so much. Work is fantastic. Friends are fantastic. The family is fantastic. So I guess all is well.

This most recent weekend I took my first lone road trip. I drove from LA to Phoenix. I was visiting to check out my parents new home. It was... an experience for sure. I was VERY sick over the weekend, but am feeling much better now due to lots of liquid and prescribed antibiotics.

Their house.... is amazing. Great views. On Sunday I did manage to grab some snapshots of the sunrise over four peaks in Fountain Hills.





It was about 5 am, and I could no longer sleep due to my said illness. So woke up, sat on their HUGE wrap around patio, and snapped some pictures.

I'm glad I took a road trip by myself. It got a bit lonely at times, but it gave me plenty of time to think.

I thought about all sorts of things, like what I want, what I don't want. Who I miss, who I don't miss. Who I want to be, where I want to go, what am I looking for out my life.

Even though I thought about all those things, I still feel like I mostly have no clue about the last bit. I find myself always saying "I just go with it." Which I think is true for the most part.

But sometimes its nice to have a plan. So I'm trying to get my plan together. As I'm approaching the end of July. July was my former deadline. And I (hope) that I'm managing to squeeze by into the fall. LA, I'm not ready for us to break up yet.  We still have lots to do together, me and you.

I don't have a lot else to say, just wanted to throw in an update. I guess we'll see where things go from here.

z

Magical mailboxes.

Yesterday I was picking up my mail and this was in my mailbox.


I am so very sad for the end of LOST to come, but what a magical journey it has been. Last Tuesday's episode made me incredibly sad, but I guess that's what I should expect with only 3 episodes to GO!!! :(

Then today as I was dropping off my mothers day cards to the mailboxes, I saw tons of canned and boxed food underneath them, and I was partly confused until I saw a flyer that read "Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive"

So I was stoked on getting some of my canned food out of my cabinet, then realized I didn't have as much as I thought.. and THEN realized that I need to go grocery shopping! But I was able to pull 5 or so cans :)



So Hope that the mail man/woman can CARRY alllll those cans! haha :)

until next time..

bead by bead.

i had a bunch of stuff planned for today. i even got dressed to run.. that never happened

I got dressed to go on a train adventure.. that never happened.
I was ready to walk out my door for my oil change and car wash.. never happened...
Definitely didn't do my laundry...
Instead I made a new piece of jewelry. Here are some pictures.



also played with the camera some more


and snapped a pic where you can see my tattoo:


That is all. Now i'll go watch TV... sounds like a good sunday to me :)