Black Ops 24/7 LiveStream

I have my first shift at 2 AM PST. Here we go.... You can watch here!!

A love letter to my PS3.

As I was cleaning today I accidentally pressed a button on the PS3 controller and I heard this little high pitched "beep" that was the sound of my PS3 turning on. Oh how I missed that beep!

And so I started to talk to my PS3.

"Dear PS3.
 I miss you and I'm sorry I've been away. You see, we had been together for well over a year, and I met someone... else... 360. And it was new and exciting, and 360 was invited to all the parties... and I wanted to go to those parties. And let me tell you ps3, those parties are craaazy! But... I still thought of you, and I wanted to come back to you but things just were different... You changed... or maybe I changed? And then things got worse when Mr. TV broke, and now I can't even see you at all. It's of course, when I can't have you that I want you oh so badly.  I think of our times together (little big planet & uncharted & our endless BLU RAY nights)

But I promise you PS3... I'll be back.. We'll have our day in the sun ....

once Mr. Fucking TV gets his act together.


I <3 U PS3.

<3zbot

Impermanence.

1. I am constantly remind myself to let go.


2. Do you ever get so inside your head that you just have a complete mental breakdown out of nowhere. Well that's what just happened to me. And I typed it all out in this blog. And I realized how ridiculous I sounded. Like if someone were to read that, they would probably want to come smack me in the face for being such a pathetic mess. And I don't blame them. 


Because really, I have NO reason to be sad. 
No reason to be depressed.
No reason to dislike anything in my life really.
No reason to complain (seriously)


I am just floating somewhere in between. Not necessarily sad nor depressed. But not particularly happy or joyful. I literally feel stagnant.


I'm not 15 so I can't say "Yeah life sux"


I know that life is difficult. And it changes so quickly, you hardly have time to adjust before it's changing again. I feel like I am barely getting used to one thing in my life, when, for whatever reason, something is different all of a sudden. 


I know that if I am unhappy for some reason, it is usually directly related to my disposition of whatever is happening, not necessarily the circumstances of what is happening. And that is where I am weak. And I hate to be weak, I really do. I cannot easily ask for help, emotionally. 
I hate to seem needy. 
I hate to display my desire for something or someone.
I hate when someone says "What's wrong Lindsey? You're not yourself" 

Sometimes I feel I have a hard time vocalizing what it is that I really want! I feel embarrassed for asking, or undeserving of what I am asking for... like I am asking too much.

I've been told I have too high of expectations for people. But really I only expect the same from you that I would from myself. 


Then again, maybe I expect too much of myself, because often I have to let go of unmet expectations. I go back and forth between caring too much, and not caring enough at all. Where is my medium? And why can't I get there? Why do things take so long?  Why do I have to wait? 


I mean I guess I can wait, but if I could just see the goal, maybe I would be more satisfied.

But I am never satisfied. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and live my life. Yeh I'll do that.
--
z






3. When unpleasant things arise or you don't get what you want, reflect that all things are impermanent and that, sooner or later, your suffering will change.

So.... sorry?

Well.. basically - I apologize. I blog then leave it, then blog, then leave it. But truth be told I've been extremely busy so far this summer!

I have been doing so much. Work is fantastic. Friends are fantastic. The family is fantastic. So I guess all is well.

This most recent weekend I took my first lone road trip. I drove from LA to Phoenix. I was visiting to check out my parents new home. It was... an experience for sure. I was VERY sick over the weekend, but am feeling much better now due to lots of liquid and prescribed antibiotics.

Their house.... is amazing. Great views. On Sunday I did manage to grab some snapshots of the sunrise over four peaks in Fountain Hills.





It was about 5 am, and I could no longer sleep due to my said illness. So woke up, sat on their HUGE wrap around patio, and snapped some pictures.

I'm glad I took a road trip by myself. It got a bit lonely at times, but it gave me plenty of time to think.

I thought about all sorts of things, like what I want, what I don't want. Who I miss, who I don't miss. Who I want to be, where I want to go, what am I looking for out my life.

Even though I thought about all those things, I still feel like I mostly have no clue about the last bit. I find myself always saying "I just go with it." Which I think is true for the most part.

But sometimes its nice to have a plan. So I'm trying to get my plan together. As I'm approaching the end of July. July was my former deadline. And I (hope) that I'm managing to squeeze by into the fall. LA, I'm not ready for us to break up yet.  We still have lots to do together, me and you.

I don't have a lot else to say, just wanted to throw in an update. I guess we'll see where things go from here.

z

Magical mailboxes.

Yesterday I was picking up my mail and this was in my mailbox.


I am so very sad for the end of LOST to come, but what a magical journey it has been. Last Tuesday's episode made me incredibly sad, but I guess that's what I should expect with only 3 episodes to GO!!! :(

Then today as I was dropping off my mothers day cards to the mailboxes, I saw tons of canned and boxed food underneath them, and I was partly confused until I saw a flyer that read "Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive"

So I was stoked on getting some of my canned food out of my cabinet, then realized I didn't have as much as I thought.. and THEN realized that I need to go grocery shopping! But I was able to pull 5 or so cans :)



So Hope that the mail man/woman can CARRY alllll those cans! haha :)

until next time..

bead by bead.

i had a bunch of stuff planned for today. i even got dressed to run.. that never happened

I got dressed to go on a train adventure.. that never happened.
I was ready to walk out my door for my oil change and car wash.. never happened...
Definitely didn't do my laundry...
Instead I made a new piece of jewelry. Here are some pictures.



also played with the camera some more


and snapped a pic where you can see my tattoo:


That is all. Now i'll go watch TV... sounds like a good sunday to me :)

bottoms

I'm starting a series.. the people who mean so much to me I can't stand it.

This is DustyBottoms.

He is my fucking rad roommate

We have been friends for a long time. And will continue to be the best of friends for a long time to come.

CREDIT CARDS SUCK

And this one has brought me nothing but trouble! Bye Bye Best Buy!

So I'm cutting it up!


And ripping it too!


Now I am free!

April's almost over.

I've decided to post to my blog more often. I always decide this and then forget about it...

but hopefully I won't.

z

work for hire

i am sorry but i am extremely bothered by the fact that all my life i've been told that if I work hard, stay in school, get good grades, I can do and be whatever I want..

By my teachers, parents, coaches.. graduate high school with good grades, do extracurricular activities, be and stay a good kid, i'll get into a good college, and if i do well there, i'll graduate and get a nice job. "can't get a good job with out college"

But I gotta work hard. Stay smart.. Now I feel like I've passed those points. I feel like I've worked relatively hard. And I'm still working hard-

I'm sorry, am I all of a sudden not working hard enough now? Is applying for jobs all the time and not hearing back not hard enough? Or maybe it's working for free doing what I want to be doing... and not getting paid? Or was it when I worked a shitty job at panera, driving 45 minutes there and back just to make minimum wage, no i probably still wasn't working hard enough..

And you know, i KNOW it's not just me. It's all the people who are my age, graduating.. right now....I know it's hard and it sucks.. and i'm sorry..

Because if you can't find a job, well, congrats on those four hard years and graduating with a college degree.. welcome to fucking nothing.

winter summerland.

day 7 & 8.

Yesterday was sort of just one big snow day. Woke up to find most of our donuts gone. But I still got a good donut for breakfast. We ran out to Walgreens & Odd Lots to try to find a sled to go sledding but no such luck !

We didn't really go out until last night and ended up at Bargo's. A sports bar with great mini corn dogs, but shitty rum & cokes. While there, something reminded Katie of a scene from The Hangover so we decided to go buy the movie & watch it.

By time I finally figured out how to get the ps3 to work in the ridiculous theater setup my father has, most of us were asleep.

The snow seemed to have cleared up today (at least coming from they sky) and the roads were better. Went to Skyline with Jess, KT, Mollie, & Jook. delicious cheese coneys. It was quite delightful.

Went to david's bridal for katie to try on some dresses. A lot of big poofy dresses. They lady was really trying to sell us a dress and I brought up the point that kt and I could come back one year from now and it would still be a little bit early to get a dress!

Took mollie home & prepared for chappy's and dinner was good. Now I'm tired and ready to head back west. Into the sunshine and out of the cold. In the mean time, enjoy this picture of my back yard. It's cold out there.

z

she's so...

days 5 & 6.

well yesterday was my day 5. And we drove from washington dc to dayton oh. For me it seemed quick. Even though it was a longer journey than I remember. There was a crazy ridiculous snow storm while we were in PA, which caused the roads to be out of control covered in slushly snowy- mush. A real safe driving condition.

We stopped at a Roy Rogers in Cumberland MD where I met the nicest fast food staff ever. There was Tom, who took our order and read it back perfectly. He was a middle aged man, maybe late thirties, blue eyes and he let me take a picture of him! (which is sure to be shown later)

Also the manager (who's name I didn't catch unfortunately) who was engaged and wanted to just run off to an island and elope but her entire family has other plans for her.

And then the old gentleman who sat at the booth behind us. The manager gave us directions to get back on the freeway, and then the old man came up a bit later and corrected her saying that we want to be sure to be in the right lane! Then he expressed his wish to win the lottery and move to Florida. He likes it there because one time he played in the Disney World band for two weeks.

I finally made it back to Ohio and into Dayton where I got to see some of my awesome girlfriends. Spent an evening intimately getting to know each other over a game of Kings. Today was full of running errands and CHIK FIL A! Bills donuts, tacos, bitching, and an amazing night over all.

It's funny how I expect (naively) that things will be the same... and they never are. Things are always different.. Or maybe its that I expect them to be different... and its that they are always the same that let's me down .

I had a great night with some old friends that never got my justification. Dusty bottoms, my roommate was in town, and it's always a blast hanging out with him, no matter where in the USA.

And of course my girls again. Who need no introduction. Katie who freaked out over Tripp (the dog) chewing up the carpet.. (It's okay! we're blowing this popsicle stand) Mollie, who according to wes is "Mollie Bullshit" ( which I don't understand) And Brooke (WHO I PROMISE I WILL SEND A GORGEOUS CUSTOM DESIGNED NECKLACE TO!)

Another INTENSE round of Kings Cup and I think people ended up knowing more about me again than I do about them.

Oh people and their powerful knowledge.

But I just continue on that same path I was. I want to be happy. I long and deserve to be happy. So I choose the things and the people that make me happy. And when it is not making me happy.. it will be ignored.

Pain will follow bad thoughts as certain as happiness will follow good ones.

z

*currently listening to: The Beatles- Abbey Road - I want you (she's so heavy)

Failed

So I ALREADY failed. I am such a failure. Just for the record, I did in fact keep my resolution from last year all year long. I made a resolution to quit biting my nails and I did so and I no longer bite my nails! :)

But EVEN THOUGH I missed one day for this year's resolution I will still keep at it.

day 4

Today was my younger brother, Anthony's 18th birthday. Also it was my grandfather's funeral. He was a retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, so it was a military service. Yesterday was the viewing which was nice, but strange. I couldn't look at him. I hadn't seen him really since 2007 at my older brother, William's wedding.

Today 3 limousines picked us up from my aunt's house and took us to Arlington National Cemetary. Military funerals are quite surreal... It was very quiet and eerie. Very patriotic and it made me feel very proud of my grandfather.

There was a funeral service in the chapel, where a military chaplain led the service. My grandfather was moved inside for the service and then very quietly and precisely he was carried back outside by the honor guard and put onto the limbers and caissons pulled by horses. From there, the honor guard led the horse-drawn carriage to the grave site.

I chose to walk with my father, aunt, uncles and brothers as opposed to riding in the limos from the chapel to the grave site.. I figured, I could bare a mile & a half walk in the biting cold in heels to honor my grandfather. I also wanted to capture some pictures of the service, the horse drawn carriage carrying my grandfather's casket, and the honor guard.

Once we reached the grave site, there were a few words said by the military chaplain, followed by the three volley salute by some service members. Then was TAPS by the lone bugler while they gave the final salute. It was all very intense and surreal.

The honor guard folded the flag that draped my grandfather's coffin so tightly and precisely and then the chaplain presented it to my father and thanked him for my grandfather's service. That pretty much concluded the service and we all headed back to the limos.

I kept thinking to myself how much this was like a movie. And then all I could think of was that saying that goes "art imitates life imitates art."

I did capture some pictures by the way. I hope that they all turned out well. I will find out later this week when I take my film to get developed..

Even though I was never really close with him, he was always very good to me. Annual Christmas & birthday gifts. And then when he got older, my parents told him to NOT GO OUT christmas shopping anymore... he didn't listen for a while, but I take it he took the hint as last year as I simply got checks from both him & my great-grandmother.

He also sent me a check as a congratulatory gift for my graduating from film school. I wrote him a thank you note in February which I found in late October. I had never sent it. So I brought it with me, and put it in his pocket. It's never too late right ? My aunt laughed when she saw I had a return address on it. And I replied "I'd shit my pants if I saw that in my mailbox" as if it had been "returned to sender."

But my grandfather has forever to read it. He is in the sky again, where he belonged. Flying high.

z

a rare find

I guess I have a little bit of time left to do this.

day 2

Today (a saturday) was a decent day. I was dreadfully tired for most of it. Makes sense having only 3 hours of sleep or so. I was awoken by my nephew who now (at 18 months) makes lots of noises, but none of them seem to be actual complete words.. A

Anyways I felt like I should get up. Even though the temptations of the warm cincinnati bengals snuggie said otherwise!

Main highlight of the day: Christmas with the family.

Lowlight of the day: idk what the point was in sending out wishlists- people generally ignore them and get whatever they please. I still like the gifts, but wishlists only encourage expectations and then expectations were not met. (except for the bengal's jersey, which is awesome)

another highlight: departed silver spring for vienna, virginia. I got to go through my great-grandmother's jewelry box and pick whatever I please. I feel like I picked the best out of the weird broaches and clip on earrings, (which I assure you I can put on good ol hooks) and I also ended up going home with the whole jewelry box in itself. It's not the best looking jewelry box, but it is an heirloom!

mainly I just wanted to talk about the jewelry so here are some pictures to follow up. and with that goodnight!

z

here are some of the pieces in the box up close that i especially love:

lulu mae taylor
my birthstone:
gorgeous:

might be my favorite brooch/earring set:

beautiful yellow rose set:

from toledo spain:love these ones as well <3 :
look like easter eggs:

twenty ten

So TECHNICALLY .. I still have an hour to be successful. What you might ask ?

Well I was thinking I would keep a record of 2010. Right here. Write here. 365 days.

Today I have to say:

day 1

I flew from LA to DC.. and it's cold.

fin.

z