Impermanence.

1. I am constantly remind myself to let go.


2. Do you ever get so inside your head that you just have a complete mental breakdown out of nowhere. Well that's what just happened to me. And I typed it all out in this blog. And I realized how ridiculous I sounded. Like if someone were to read that, they would probably want to come smack me in the face for being such a pathetic mess. And I don't blame them. 


Because really, I have NO reason to be sad. 
No reason to be depressed.
No reason to dislike anything in my life really.
No reason to complain (seriously)


I am just floating somewhere in between. Not necessarily sad nor depressed. But not particularly happy or joyful. I literally feel stagnant.


I'm not 15 so I can't say "Yeah life sux"


I know that life is difficult. And it changes so quickly, you hardly have time to adjust before it's changing again. I feel like I am barely getting used to one thing in my life, when, for whatever reason, something is different all of a sudden. 


I know that if I am unhappy for some reason, it is usually directly related to my disposition of whatever is happening, not necessarily the circumstances of what is happening. And that is where I am weak. And I hate to be weak, I really do. I cannot easily ask for help, emotionally. 
I hate to seem needy. 
I hate to display my desire for something or someone.
I hate when someone says "What's wrong Lindsey? You're not yourself" 

Sometimes I feel I have a hard time vocalizing what it is that I really want! I feel embarrassed for asking, or undeserving of what I am asking for... like I am asking too much.

I've been told I have too high of expectations for people. But really I only expect the same from you that I would from myself. 


Then again, maybe I expect too much of myself, because often I have to let go of unmet expectations. I go back and forth between caring too much, and not caring enough at all. Where is my medium? And why can't I get there? Why do things take so long?  Why do I have to wait? 


I mean I guess I can wait, but if I could just see the goal, maybe I would be more satisfied.

But I am never satisfied. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and live my life. Yeh I'll do that.
--
z






3. When unpleasant things arise or you don't get what you want, reflect that all things are impermanent and that, sooner or later, your suffering will change.